Ew!
by Captain Oz
Summary: Dialogue fic. Jack's boyfriend dumped him, so he's writing porn again. But he won't let anyone read them... WJ
1. Chapter 1

Ok. Bear with me on this one. A dialogue fic with all four characters wandering in and out. So-

Will

Grace 

**Jack **

_Karen _

* * *

**"I don't know how I can go on! My life is over!" **

"Yeah, well, do it outside. I'm reading 'Ten ways to become a better lover'."

**"About time. Aren't you gonna ask me what's wrong?"**

"Why bother? You'll tell me anyway."

**"I am heartbroken here! Tony, the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with dumped me last night!"**

"Why?"

**"I dunno. He didn't say."**

"Karen'll be pleased. You can write more of your dirty stories to 'release your pain'."

**"Do not mock the afflicted, buster! Then again, I suppose you are one of the afflicted, what with all that fat."**

"I am not fat!"

**"Sure. I'm going to work through my pain."**

"Fine. Don't let the door hit you on the ass on the way out."

---

"_Your wife's not here, Wilma, so buzz off."_

"Nice to see you too, Karen. What's wrong with you two? Did bitch club end early today?"

"_He won't let me read his stories."_

**"I don't want her to."**

"'And today we have two friends who became bitter enemies over porn.' You two are awful."

**"Just coz we're not fat."**

_"And wearing trousers that make us look like tree trunks."_

**"Oo, good one Kare."**

_"I'm still not talking to you. But I know."_

"Why won't you let her read the stories?"

**"They're personal."**

"Aw, Jack, did you put yourself in them?"

**"Noooo."**

_"Oh, oh, he's blushing!"_

**"I am not!"**

"Let me read them."

**"No. Leave me alone! I'm too young and beautiful to be destroyed by you two."**

"Jack, you are neither young nor beautiful. Maybe in a dark alley. On a cloudy night."

_"Poodle, don't mind him. He's just upset because he's secretly in love with Grace. Except it's not so secret! Oh, I kill me. Come on, let's go home. We can make fun of the fat one and Rosario can make us cocktails."_

**"I'm off alcohol this month."**

_"Oh, she'll find something."_

"Bye… Hey Grace."

"Hey. Was that Karen leaving?"

"You're surprised that Karen is leaving early?"

"No, I'm surprised that she was still here. Normally she goes off to have a manicure."

"She was mad at Jack. He broke up with Tony last night, so he's writing porn again, but he won't let her read them. He was really protective of them."

"Why not?"

"He put himself in them."

"In that case I don't want to read them. Jack's done things that are illegal."

"And most of them seemingly impossible."

"Yeah… pass me that file from Karen's desk."

"Here. Hey, what's this? Oo, it's the story! Jack must have left it!"

"Will, if Jack really didn't want you to read it, maybe you shouldn't…"

"Oh, shut up Martha, you want to know what's in it just as much as I do."

"I don't. I respect my friends and their privacy. Will, what's wrong? You're going pale. Sit down. What's in the story?"

"Oh God…"

"What? What's in there? Let me look!"

"Ok. Here's part- 'Jack moaned in silent ecstasy as his lover moved experienced hands along him. "I love you," he breathed. A low chuckle greeted his words, and he knew they were unneeded. His lover knew everything about him.'"

"So? What's wrong with that? A bit tame really."

"'Jack gasped and arched his back as a nimble tongue began to work its way along him. He panted as he was brought to a higher level of pleasure than he had ever dreamed of. He lay back on the silken sheets, completely spent, looking down at his lover, who licked his lips. "Will…"'"

"Oh my god! Jack has fantasies about you!"

"Now do you understand why I was pale!"

"Well, yeah. I would be if I found out my friend thought about me like that. Ew, do you think he thinks about you when he…?"

"When he…"

"You know! When he…?"

"Wh- oh, Grace, nice actions."

"It is possible. After all, he did tell you he loved you before."

"That was years ago! And he was only being stupid."

"Maybe he wasn't. Maybe he really does love you." 

"Oh, yeah, that's why he has a new boyfriend for every occasion."

"Do I detect bitterness?"

"Noooo, of course not."

"Aw, you like him writing about you."

"No I don't! It's just plain- Jack."

**"Hey. Karen forgot her pills. Why do you look like you realised how fat you are, and why is Grace grinning?"**

"Oh, no reason. I'll see you two later."

**"Ok, that was weird."**

"Jack, I- I read your story."

**"What! All of it?"**

"No, just this page."

**"Oh. What's wrong with it?"**

"Jack. It's you and me."

**"What? No it isn't."**

"Jack and Will. Those are our names."

**"What? Oh, they are. Damn, I never noticed that before. God, Will, I know you have a major crush on me, but it'll nev-er hap-pen. It's fanfiction."**

"Huh?"

**"God. A story using characters from a TV show, or movie or book. I did Pirates of the Caribbean. Jack Sparrow, Will Turner… do you really think I'd have daydreams about you… ew! Ew! I feel sick."**

"Thanks Jack, for boosting my confidence in that way. See you tonight?"

**"Boy Bar at eight."**

"See ya."

**"Bye."**

…

**"At least he believed the story. Idiot."**


	2. Chapter 2

**"Kare."**

_"Hey poodle."_

**"Can we talk?"**

_"Of course. But make it quick, I've got a facial scrub in an hour."_

**"It's really big."**

_"Oh. Sit down then, and I'll pretend to listen."_

**"Promise you won't tell anyone?"**

_"I promise, Jack, now just tell me what's wrong!"_

**"Well… you know that story I wouldn't let you read?"**

_"Sweetie, I know it was about those pirates from that film. The hot ones. Wilma told Grace and I listened."_

**"He knew you were listening?"**

_"What? No, I was in the room over there sleeping off my vodka."_

**"Oh, ok. Well… itwasn'tjohnnyandorlandoitwasmeandwill."**

_"What? Honey, you'll have to slow down, I'm due another pill."_

**"The story was about me and Will. Recently I've been having these dreams about Will, and I thought that, maybe, if I wrote them down I'd stop having them."**

_"Are they… sex dreams?"_

**"Yeah. Oh, Karen, what's wrong with me?"**

_"Jackie, much as I hate to even consider this… it's not love, is it?"_

**"No, it can't be. I mean, it's Will."**

_"…"_

**"…"**

_"…"_

**"How do I know if it's love?"**

_"There's a quiz in my Cosmo. You just sit still and I'll ask the questions. Right. 'Do you look forward to seeing him?'"_

**"Of course, he's my best friend."**

_"'How does he smell?'"_

**"Mm, wonderful. He uses this strawberry shower gel, and I've tried using it, but it smells way better on him. Oo, and there's his shampoo- it smells all spicy. I could smell his hair all day."**

_"'Do you make excuses to be with him?'"_

**"Um, I suppose. Sometimes."**

_"'Are you jealous of his other friends?'"_

**"Oh, come on. His only other friend is Grace, and if I was jealous of her I'd be seriously sad."**

_"You liar! You are so jealous of Grace! Last week you made me take her shopping so that you could go out with him!"_

**"Karen! You know she needed new clothes, and anyway, I wanted Will for karaoke night."**

_"Yeah, yeah… 'Do you get nervous around him?'"_

**"More recently. I don't want him to think I'm completely stupid. But, on the other hand, I can be me with him. He lov- likes me anyway."**

_"'Could you see yourself staying with him? Forever?'"_

**"Um… maybe… I suppose. I've thought about it. Well, I've known him forever."**

_"The results are in, ladies and fairies. Jack McFarland, you are totally completely gaga over Wilma Truman."_

**"What? I don't believe you. Let me see that- it wasn't a real quiz, you made it up!"**

_"Did you hear your answers? 'Oh, Will smell so gorgeous, I could smell him all day. Oh, I could spend the rest of my life with him. Oh, I have dreams about him where he-"_

**"Oh Sarah Jessica Parker I love him. Karen, what am I gonna do? My life is over."**

_"No, poodle, it's ok."_

**"Will won't think about me like that. He turned me down when we were younger, and then when Psychic Sue told him he'd spend the rest of his life with me he was horrified."**

_"Jack, relax! If he hurts you I'll send Rosario over to give him a good seeing to, and not in the way that you want to. Yeah, yeah, know what I'm saying?"_

"Who's Jack after now?"

**"Oh my God- Will, don't sneak up on people!"**

"I'm sorry, I thought you two girls would've heard the door. Where's Grace?"

_"Down the bagel place ogling the till guy."_

"Oh, ok. Jack, come on. I'll buy you lunch at Stromboli's. They've got this really cute waiter in."

**"Hm, ok. Bye Karen."**

_"Bye Jackie. Try not to get too excited with Will, oh yeah."_

---

"Jack? Are you ok? You've barely spoken since we left Karen."

**"Huh? Oh, yeah, I'm fine. Great."**

"If you're sure…"

**"I am. Now what were you saying?"**

"Do you think I should ask the waiter for his number? He's cute, don't you think?"

**"I suppose."**

"What? Jack, he's gorgeous."

**"No he isn't! There are way better guys out there, especially for you."**

"Jack? Was that a compliment?"

**"Yes. Why? Does that bother you? Am I not allowed to compliment you?"**

"Of course you are, it's just that normally you insult me."

**"Fine, if it makes you feel better. That waiter would never go out with you because you're fat, and ugly, and… oh, I can't do this, you're wonderful, of course he'd go out with you."**

"Jack, you're making even less sense than normal, which is saying something. What the hell is up with up with you?"

**"I just- oh dammit, I can't do this. I'm sorry."**

"Jack! Don't go! Please… that was weird. I wonder what's wrong with him."

---

_"Grace, honey, we need to talk."_

"Sure, Karen, what about?"

_"First of all, pink bows only belong on six year old girls. Secondly, Jack and Will."_

"What about them?"

_"You know as well as I do that those two girls belong together. But your husband's being a stubborn idiot, and Jack's upset, and I won't let that happen."_

"Woah, Karen, I never knew you cared so much."

_"I don't, but if Jack's not happy then he won't help me get shop assistants fired. We're gonna have to sort this out."_

"How? By locking them in a room together until they admit their feelings?"

_"You know, that's not a bad idea…"_


End file.
